There Are No Men – Carol Maloney Scott

57 copy

There Are No Men is a chick flick book that was one of the first of the free e-books I downloaded for my Kindle. It’s kind of bad in a not horribly inoffensive way but the writing is cringe worthy at times and parts that are supposed to be funny are so stiff that even though I found the situation funny, I couldn’t be amused by it in the book.

Also there’s a part with a WAY younger guy and the main character that I didn’t find funny but creepy and a little uncomfortable?

There’s also a bit of irony in that the main character feels uncomfortable about the company she works for publishing erotic fiction when this is a romance novel that is trying to appeal to the same audience (there has to be some overlap there). I never can understand when a book I’m reading speaks derogatory to the audience it is selling to, though usually it’s “geek” lit and not romance literature but there you have it.

ANYWAY I wanted to make this post not because this book was bad enough to really rant about or good enough to really praise, but because there’s a scene in it where the main character’s dachshund is jumping up and down beside her bed for attention because it’s too short to make the jump onto the bed. Basically the scene is so heart warming and fuzziness inducing that I wanted to find my dog and squeeze the breath out of her.

I think about this scene a lot.

tanm fin

dogs are too good for this world, too pure

I wanted to bring attention to this scene because I need more of this in my life. This is the quality dog content that we readers deserve. Add dogs to books 2k16 (but let them live jfc).

So I give this book a nice wet nose on the dog inclusivity scale.

But don’t spend money on it.

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Fuckboys of Classic Literature: Mansfield Park Edition

As my year with Jane Austen is coming to a close, I’ve been ruminating on Mansfield Park, particularly the quote “Let him have all the perfections in the world, I think it ought not be set down as certain that a man must be acceptable to every woman he may happen to like himself.”

In this quote, Austen attacks male entitlement and what we now call the friendzone—men feeling cheated or insulted that though they are nice and attentive to a woman they like, the woman doesn’t like them back. Austen shuts this down with one of her mildest characters, which adds to the humor because Fanny is all propriety and politeness, but even she has no time for men complaining about being friendzoned.

This line of thinking led me to the important discovery that Henry Crawford is literally a fuckboy, be it a 19th century fuckboy.

Seriously, his behavior through the entire novel escalates him to fuckboy over-achiever. He flirts with every woman he comes in contact with, believing that it is impossible for any woman to resist his charms and not fall in love with him (delusions of importance and attraction, fuckboy score: 1).

In fact, Henry decides to make Fanny fall in love with him simply because she DOESN’T seem attracted to him, undertaking to manipulate someone’s emotions for his own benefit and because, really, he thinks she’s hot and wants to have sex with her (fuckboy score: 2).

Plus there’s this whole scene:

MANS 1 TOTAL up

incredible

Then there’s the whole scene where Henry is angry and insulted when informed that, in fact, Miss Fanny Price does not find him all that attractive except in sort of a general objective way. (Fuckboy score 3)

After being thus insulted, Henry makes a point of it to turn everyone against Fanny and to criticize her for not caring about him when he’s possessing so many desirable qualities, making him…dare I say it?

mans 2 total up

classic “nice guy”

And the FINAL fuckboy move is when Henry decides to blame Fanny and her choice to reject him for all of the trouble he causes later on.

mans 3 total up

it’s her fault for saying no!

Henry Crawford is the quintessential fuckboy. Incredible.

This is a very important discovery and I hope to someday publish an academic paper on it. I already have a great title: “Male Entitlement: Fuckboys in Literature.”

There’s got to be other ones. I’m pretty sure I could nominate Frank Churchill as well.

More Aliens

My feelings on Ice Planet Barbarians  by Ruby Dixon are summarized below:

you're a shitty friend Georgie

you’re a shitty friend Georgie

Wait, actually I had another thought about this book:

I said this in my last post, but I feel like there’s lots of reasons not to just jump the bones of the first alien you meet. It would be totally tempting, don’t get me wrong, I see you. But there’s also way, WAY too many ways in which it could go horribly wrong.

reason #167 why it's probably a bad idea to have sex with an alien life form

reason #167 why it’s probably a bad idea to have sex with an alien life form

And it’s totally likely that even if you could have sex, the human body would be capable of becoming pregnant with an alien baby. I took human anatomy. I know that pregnancy isn’t a complicated process at all. I mean, it’s not like that sometimes the human body rejects human fetuses because of clashes between the immune systems.

(hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa)

Whatever, it’s for the sake of the story. What am I expecting anyway, out of a smutty sci-fi novel? Surely not realistic science.

I don’t know what else to say about this book. Maybe I’m still recovering. In a couple of days I’ll go through this book and make a list of words that were in it that I hope I never have to read again.

I give it a BEAR GRYLLS on the SURVIVOR SKILLS scale.

(It got docked points because I am somewhat phobic of pregnancy so whenever the main character in a book gets pregnant I want to scream and throw up simultaneously. Do some people like this as a plot point? DO SOME PEOPLE ENJOY THAT?)

Close Liaisons

I was really excited to read Anna Zaires’ Close Liaisons, because it is a free Kindle book that involves an alien romance.

There’s a lot of things to like in alien romances—tropes like not understanding each other’s language (a classic), finding each other weirdly attractive despite the fact that the likelihood that an alien would find a human attractive is like a human finding a hermit crab attractive, and, most importantly, I’m always a slut for space. Okay, yes, and I want to know what kind of weird dong the author is going to outfit the alien with, that JUST SO HAPPENS to be compatible with female anatomy.

Don’t worry about allergic reactions either.

No really, everything is going to be fine.

God I love aliens.

So, when I got Close Liaisons, I was completely hyped! Alien romance is not a genre that seems to be particularly popular yet (I wonder why, considering that even zombies are getting their own love stories these days).

TOO BAD THIS BOOK IS A COMPLETE LET DOWN.

Let me highlight exactly why this stupid book is so incredibly stupid.

  1. The ALIENS look like HUMANS

You’re writing a book about ALIENS. Who the fuck sits down and thinks, well, these guys are going to drop out of a spaceship, so they should probably just look like a traditionally attractive human being. That’ll surprise them ahahaha!

I will say that at least Zaires has an explanation for the similar appearance of humans and her alien species. Apparently humans evolved because the aliens, millions of years ago, shot their DNA into space to seed planets. Because that’s how evolution works.

It’s fine though, because the aliens have been watching over us a long time and they made sure that we evolved to look like them! That’s not weird at all! But okay!

Alien design? Nailed it

Alien design? Nailed it

  1. The ALIENS used to subsist on BLOOD. They don’t need to anymore, but guess what they still enjoy doing? Sucking on human blood.

I’m sorry, I thought I signed up to read a science-fiction book about ALIENS. And somehow, I ended up reading another terrible paranormal romance featuring perhaps the most overused paranormal creatures—Vampires!

I can't even fault that reasoning

I can’t even fault that reasoning

How did this happen??? I was bamboozled. I was completely fooled. And I was left wondering, why, if you’re going to write a book about vampires, try to make it about ALIENS? Commit to your vampire story, because passing it off as science-fiction is exactly what nobody wants.

Actually, that’s my whole list because I once that little plot detail dropped, I dropped the book. I feel so cheated.

We’ll see if I finish this book, but probably not.

—-

Okay I was going to go, but I had a few more things to say. Zaires starts the book off almost promisingly when it comes to character development. I kind of liked the curly haired protagonist (not enough to remember her name, but there you go), for about three paragraphs. That’s when our alien love interest is introduced and the story goes full of the rails immediately with him stalking her and abducting her to take to his apartment right away (that’s a slight exaggeration, but basically).

Which is great, because now I have about enough characterization of the main character to know that she’s in college and studies (I guess) which is totally enough for me to care about her.

One of the great mysteries of life, to me, is how immediately everyone is attracted to everyone in romances. I mean, hello, she barely knows him and he’s an ALIEN. He could suck the bone marrow out of puppies. You don’t know! And she goes to his apartment, no problem!

Okay, kind of problem, but we all know that heroines in romance novels don’t mind being bossed around by someone they feel sexually attracted to. All their willpower goes straight out the window at first brushing touch.

I’m just of the position that I would NOT get into a limo with a known alien to be taken to his private residence because one time our hands touched.

That could be the beginning of a horror movie.

I’m just saying.

I’m holding off on an official review rating until I finish the book, but for right now Close Liaisons gets one GLOWY EYE out of COULD YOU LOOK LESS HUMAN